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Sun, Apr. 12th, 2015, 09:28 pm

Heh. I don't even know if anyone is reading this anymore. But. *flails*

I'm 27 now. Officially in my mid-to-late 20s. Wow. Half the people I know seem to be turning 29 this year. Which is weird but cool. Although by "half" I may mean "at least three and one last December so it practically counts".

The last week has really been emotionally draining, and I've ended up crying over a few things. Mainly in frustration, though a bit in actual upsettedness. I'm much more of a frustrated cryer than a sad cryer, I'll say that much.

I'm also not doing well at all at talking to people about things. I really probably should. Some of which because I have things that I should explain to them, some of which because I need to puzzle out things and talking with specific people would help. I don't know if I can talk to the specific people about the things, partly because I'm not sure when I can talk to them, and partly because I don't know if I feel comfortable breeching the subjects. (I need to work out my feelings on a few topics, someone hurt my feelings without meaning to and I was mad at them and don't really want to be, but I need to tell them so that hopefully it can be avoided, life is doing life things....)

It probably also doesn't help that out of three phonecalls I've been expecting in the past few days... one of them came, and it came significantly later than I was expecting it on a thing that was only relevant on one day? and the other two not at all. I'm... hoping this gets rectified tomorrow, I'm crossing my fingers and toes. Because if one comes, it will be nice. If the other comes, it will be an AMAZING THING AND I REALLY WANT IT.

But we'll see what life throws my way.

I'm finding it hard to talk about topics lately. Some of them are intersectional, and I don't know if people will read things in that I'm not sure whether or not they're there in the first place. Some things are hard because I DON'T know whether or not they're there, and trying to figure it out alone just involves me endlessly problematiazing. Which, to be honest, I'm pretty good at doing in the first place. But, I'm not sure if that's the best possible skill to have always. Sometimes it's quite useful. But others? Ahhh. >.<

...part of this would be easier if I could actually see people in person more often. why must distance be a thing?

I'm also trying to figure out a few things about myself. Cue more problematizing. I'm quite comfortable with me, and who I am. But sometimes I have to redefine slightly, and that's odd and interesting. ...and probably again could do with talking with other people about, but idk. >.<

Life, you know?

I keep on visualizing myself, or fantacizing about working at the place where I want to work, and living the life that would come with it. I have such a clear picture in my head that I practically feel like I'm there already. I just wish they'd give me the job and let me do the thing. But it's out of my hands for now. All I can do is work hard toward it, and hope that they get back to me with the best news ever. I can hope for that, and keep hoping for that, for as long as I need.

I'm scared I'm going to be let down. Even though my backup plan is far from horrible, and could actually be rather fun.

This would just be so much better, and I don't want to picture life where I don't have it. ...except for life where I make very poor life choices [on paper but not in my heart] and just go be with people who I care about very much and stay with them for long periods of time.

I want that almost as much as I want my job.

I need awesome job, and I need geography to fix itself and make things much more possible.

Maybe sometime soon I'll be able to have one of the conversations that I want to have, or need to have.
I'd like that a lot.

I just don't know if I'll do it tonight, even if my body is screaming that they need to happen, like the words feel like they want to burs out from within.

Hopefully they'll find their timing soon.