Current mood:	drained
Current music:	people talking in my office space

I HAVE MOOD WALTZES
Title inspired from here:

Take the Dead German Composer Test!

Take the Dead German Composer Test!</table>
(I got Mozart today, Schubert yesterday)

Yes, half the composers are German-speaking but not German (Yay Austria?) but the quiz still wins for being hilarious.



...and I Feel like I've been really having mood waltzes lately..... >.<

But yeah... I need to preamble this post. For the most part, life hasn't been bad lately. A lot of good things have happened, and a lot of the bad came with a lot of good, too.

But my mood has been so up and down lately that... maybe venting would help.


I think this all started Thursday night, when I figured out I couldn't finish Momiji for NAF. I was so depressed and scared that I was letting everyone down. Even though people told me I wasn't.
I've been on the other end of that before. And it kinda does hurt to have people drop out on you, even though it's not their fault half the time. But it's still not pleasant, and so I felt horrid for putting others through that.

Yes, I know it's not worth it for a costume. But it's more that I was supposed to be cosplay group-ing and couldn't, not that I was not finishing the costume. If it had been something that I wasn't supposed to be doing with others, I would have been a little frustrated, but no big deal-ish.

Friday... I was in the dumps all day, mainly about that.
I at least found out I was the only one not finishing, but it still... yeah.

There was also stuff at work involving... practical jokes involving homosexuality. Which REALLY bugs me. I kinda stopped it before it started, and it all blew over fine, but it just made my mood worse nonetheless.

The con was over the weekend, and... well... most of that will be covered later when I talk about NAF. But let's just say I spent an hour in shutdown mode on Sunday wondering WHY AND HOW THEY WOULD PUT NON-STAFF MEMBERS IN COMPLETE CONTROL OF AN ANNIVERSARRY PARTY. It actually went rather smoothly, but I hadn't grasped that beforehand, and... was REALLY stressing over that.

The entire fact that someone told me right out they hated NAF (well, not so much that as they'll never go to it again) kinda hurt me too. And yet I can completely understand why. THE CON LACKS ORGANIZATION. They overwork people. I was talking to the poor girl on cashbox at res, SHE WAS THERE ALMOST NONSTOP ALL WEEKEND. And that's just not right. I'm sorry but it's not! And the fact that they couldn't get started for a long time due to the person with the passwords was hung over.................................. yeah.

I mean, I enjoy NAF. I like running things at it, and I find it a nice little con. And most of the people that run it... I love them. They're nice, the people who I meet there are all very nice......
they just need a TON of organization. Like, really. The con could be so much more if they just worked on that.

I learned a few things about organization myself, this year. And I plan to put them into effect next year, should I do the same stuff again.

Also, I am apparently bad at being extraverted and IC at the same time. When OOC as a host, I had no problem keeping up a conversation. IC.... well, one time was a lot worse than the other, but still. I sometimes fail at conversation. >.< Then again, I probably would fail while OOC half the time as well. >.<

Monday, I was exhausted, and ended up making a REALLY emotional post in an RPG. Because my character was at a point where he NEEDED to snap.
But that had me all emotional at work. Which was kinda crap.

And then yesterday.... well, that's when someone said something over NAF, I kidna made a noobish mistake on SL (which really had no consequences but was just kinda embarrassing), and was being overwhealmed by people sometimes and extremely lonely at others.

At one point, everyone just went quiet for about an hour and I felt dismissed. And I know no one was trying to really make me feel this way, but it's just how things playeed out. I think it was when someone apologised for starting a voice chat almost an hour ago (AKA about when I had asked both of the people involved with the chat if they'd like to skype with me and was told "in a few minutes", and then was never given any sort of ok after that)... that I broke down.

And it wasn't worth it at all. But that was... 10:45-ish. And I couldn't stop crying on and off from then until... almost 3 when I went to bed. And they were apologising to me but THEY HADN'T DONE ANYTHING WORTH APOLOGISING FOR and... it was just making it worse and I felt like I was rubbing it in but I just felt so alone and needed to talk, or yell or scream or something but I wasn't home alone and didn't want to disturb anyone.

Things ended up fine, but I just felt so alone.

Honestly, I would have loved it if someone had ranted to me. Being able to be a sounding board probably would have been perfect. But... no such luck, and that's fine.


...I want to be loved. I want to be paid attention to sometimes. I'm sometimes bad at talking with more than one person at a time, but I do like paying attention to people and... caring for people and being paid attention to and being cared for... most of the time.

And I know I have it lucky and most of the time I do have someone who will do that for me... whoever that person is at the time.


...I'm also sometimes scared about telling people that I find them annoying. Or OOC. Or... whatever. Negative things. Sometimes I'd much rather fake being happy online and/or ignore them than actually... say anything. And sometimes I complain about it behind their backs and it makes me feel like a bad person because I know I'd probably want to know if people felt that way about me -- I'm always paranoid that people do! -- but at the same time... I don't want to hurt people's feelings or start a wank-war or something.

Sometimes I wish I couldn't see both sides of the coin so easily. Because that way I could put the blame on someone else and vent my anger easier. But I can't and so it becomes frustration with nowhere to go. And thus often ends up being bottled up inside, and building up, leaving me emotionally drained as I do now.

Though, admittantly, the fact I got four hours of very broken sleep last night didn't exactly help either. >.<

But now I'm not angry at all, but I'm a little upset, and frustrated, and tired... and drained. And kinda just want someone to hug me and talk to me. But others have lives too, and taking care of their lives is more important than talking to someone like me. So... yeah.

I'll try to post something more positive soon, probably tomorrow or the next day. Sometime when this is all blown over, or I'm at least feeling on the upswing.